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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Siryuse's LiveJournal:

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    Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
    7:08 pm
    I live! Barely.
     Ben need job badly.

    Running out of money and such, and randomly got screwed by timing + bank for about $150. In my experience, finding a job through people you know is about 10x more likely to work out than random applications, so if you know of anything - particularly something where you might actually know someone there - please let me know. Boston area, of course - public transportation accessible pretty much required. I basically need to be working within a month, or else... something.

    Thanks for any help.
    Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
    4:33 pm
    Disaster strikes!
     Cheesy nacho sauce from QDoba all over my floor makes me sad. Especially since I'm going to have to figure out how to clean the carpet and keep it from smelling like deliciousness. I should. Really. But I do like deliciousness.
    Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
    11:39 pm
    Ok, updatage.

    1. Trip to Seattle! Hooray! Gonna stay with Chris and Andrea, make Chris take me to WotC, maybe play some D&D (though I'm sure they all play 4e around there now =P). Hopefully will get a chance to see Meg while I'm there. March 7-17. Altogether awesome.

    2. Place to live! Hooray! Found a place in Somerville about a mile out of Davis. Will start paying rent March 1st, and will likely move in fully after I get back from Seattle (otherwise I try and move during the week right before I leave for my trip, and that's tricky). Also, that gives Morgan more time to get back in touch with me before I go and ask her to help move my big furnitures again.

    3. Job! Boooo! Going to go back to the bakery where I worked before and beg for them to take me back, but if that doesn't work, I REALLY need to find a closer job - working a crummy $8.50/hr job in Brighton is not cool when living in somerville. Especially since it's not even on the green line. If anyone knows of something I should look into (easily T accessible, red line preferred), PLEASE lemme know.

    4. Free time. I have too much. I WoW too much. I need social events. Fill my weekends! Also, my Thursday nights! =P
    Monday, September 17th, 2007
    4:29 pm
    I demand planning!
     A certain Sgt. D failed to take the hint and provide me with his phone number at his last opportunity. He is to do so now, or at least ask for a number where I can be contacted. Saturday during the day MAY be a good time for us to hang out, depending on if Dylan is going to the wedding (he's invited, but I haven't gotten a chance to call him yet). Otherwise I have Thursday, Friday daytime, and Sunday all free. That is ALL my free time, so other plans will likely be made soon to fill them up.
    Thursday, September 6th, 2007
    10:00 am
    Burrito!
     Today is hereby declared Burrito for Breakfast day! (in related news, the stupid bank just released the hold on my first paycheck =P)

    In other news, I will be in Wisconsin from the 19th-24th of this month for my sister's wedding. On Friday and Saturday evenings I will be busy with wedding-things, but Thursday, Sunday, and Friday daytime are open for festivities. People who live in Wisconsin, but far from Milwaukee should totally drive down and hang out that weekend (DAN) and I will likely call others (DYLAN) who don't read this. I will be bringing Morgan, even.

    Also, for those in Boston, I have the next 2 days off work. I will probably play WoW too much and then end up really really bored. If anyone can come up with anything to do (particularly tomorrow daytime), they should bug me.
    Monday, June 18th, 2007
    10:15 pm
    Job! Again.
     I'm once again employed, and this time the people employing me aren't creepy and cheap. Job doesn't start immediately, but soon (new store opening, likely in a week or two). Weedays daytime only, which is AMAZING. Pay isn't great, but it's ok. Moderately long trip there via subway, but can look for more convenient housing -- which might mean living on the green line again, which is bad. The green line is made of pain, but that's mostly only because it's not the red line.

    Job = sammich shop. Official food policy is "don't take the expensive juices and bottled waters, other than that eat whatever while you work - half price if you wanna take it home" which is sweet.

    In other news, Morgan is still awesome.

    Next issue: Find a place to live.

    After that: Find $15 and get the WoW account back. Hopefully by Wednesday, but that's rather unlikely.
    Monday, June 4th, 2007
    11:57 pm
    All is suck. Or at least most.
     So, I come home expecting to get a deadline from the landlord on when I need to be paying him by... I can deal with this, hopefully can have work and maybe pull off an emergency loan from someone once I manage to actually land a job.

    Instead, my roommate (who two days ago said she was fine for rent) says she can't pay rent and is planning to move out by this weekend. It's a little sudden, since I wasn't planning to leave unless I had to, and hoped for more than a week's notice. In addition, the fact that she's (surprise!) broke means that all the utility bills in my name are apparently going to be ignored by her. And the fact that she owes me $40 for when *I* paid everything I had to keep phone and internet going so we could look for jobs.

    In conclusion... Anyone know of any jobs or housing anywhere? I have about $1.25 to my name, total, right now. I'm likely getting kicked out of here sometime soonish (though I think I can technically stay 'til the end of the month, might have to read the thing I signed, possibly longer if it's worded right), I'd rather live someplace else and hopefully deal with this landlord as little as possible, he's not a terribly nice guy.

    On the other hand, Morgan is awesome. Sadly, that doesn't solve the other problems (broke, no home, no job) :(
    Friday, May 25th, 2007
    8:18 pm
    Blargh.
     Apparently I'm far less employed than I thought :(

    "Work a few shifts and see which positions work best" apparently means "work 2 shifts and then we'll drop you like a hot potato." Didn't screw anything up too majorly either time I worked either, so dunno what it could've been. At least they're paying me for my wasted time (whee 9.5hrs of pay for wasting a whole week thinking I had a job). That should be enough to pay phone/internet at least for another month (not enough to bother putting it towards anything else, really, and phone/internet = ways to find job). I guess I'll check all the other places I applied when I go get my money this weekend.

    On an unrelated note, I'm STILL unreasonably happy even after all this. Yay. My roommate asked me if I was drunk the other day 'cuz I was wandering around the house singing along to my music. I was just happy. ^^;

    Dan - GenCon is looking highly unlikely for me this year unless I find something SOON that pays reasonably well. Unless it pays REALLY well it'd still be a squeeze, since I need to make it to WI in Sept for my sister's wedding. Just a warning, since we'd talked about figuring out housing a while back. On the other hand, everyone be warned, I'll hopefully be back to visit in Sept, and will want to see you all. Unless you suck =P
    Monday, May 21st, 2007
    10:16 am
    Wheeeeeeee
     Job!

    After FAR too long looking, got a call this morning. And my talk with the landlord this morning made it sound like he'd be willing to wait out on rent as long as I actually have a job.

    Will likely still lose the internet for a couple weeks, due to lack of money to actually pay the bill, but starting work tomorrow makes me happy.
    Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
    9:44 pm
    Concerts!
     Concert #1: Iron Maiden this Friday. Not going - the person in charge of getting tickets failed to do so, and so we didn't go. However, Malima managed to score two tickets -- and is taking not-me. As a side note, if anyone could kill Ross for me by Friday, that'd be awesome ^_- Of course, once I found out I wasn't going, I spent most of the money I had set aside for the ticket, so I'd still have a little difficulty =P

    Concert #2: Blind Guardian is playing Dec 1 in Worcester! I'm DEFINITELY going - and I'm gonna guilt Malima into going with me, at the very least. I'll try for others, but as long as I've got at least 1, it's all good. Also, new Blind Guardian album is acceptable, but I think I liked the last couple a little more. I'm only my second listen through, though, so no final opinion yet.

    Also - WAY too much caffeine today. Pretty serious headache goin' on here.
    Thursday, August 24th, 2006
    3:30 pm
    I live!
     First post in... what, 2 years?

    I have a place to live! Hooray! I'm moving from Fenway House (though I intend to be back often to hang out and deliver the free breads) to 67 Avon St Apt 1 in Somerville. It's a kinda small place, but has nice high ceilings to make it seem large. And it's kinda old and falling apart, but that comes with being the cheapest place I've found - $400/month + utilities - for the people from WI, that's REALLY good around here.

    I'll also probably able to be out of Fenway in time to make sure I don't get in anyone's way during the crazy moving that happens when new students arrive and such.

    Now to find a TV - the roommates don't have one, and it's hard to play video games without one. Anyone who has one or knows someone who does (in the Boston area, of course), let me know!

    Current Mood: happy
    Sunday, September 11th, 2005
    12:33 am
    Guess who's REALLY bored...
     1) Bold what is true about you.
    2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
    3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
    4) Steal if you want.


    * I miss somebody right now.
    * I don't watch much TV these days.
    * I love olives.
    * I own lots of books.
    * I wear glasses or contact lenses.
    * I love to play video games.
    * I've tried marijuana.
    * I have been in a threesome.
    * I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
    * I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
    * I curse sometimes. (if sometimes means rarely, then yup)
    * I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
    * I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
    * I'm TOTALLY smart. (and conceited about it!)
    * I have broken someone's bones.
    * I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
    * I hate the rain.
    * I'm paranoid at times.
    * I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
    * I need money right now.
    * I love sushi.
    * I talk really, really fast.
    * I have fresh breath in the morning.
    * I have long hair. (YEAH!)
    * I have lost money in Las Vegas.
    * I have at least one sibling.
    * I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
    * I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
    * I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
    * I like the way that I look. (how else would I look?)
    * I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
    * I know how to cornrow. (wha?)
    * I am usually pessimistic.
    * I have a lot of mood swings.
    * I think prostitution should be legalized.
    * I think Britney Spears is pretty.
    * I slept with a roommate. (this could be taken many ways =P)
    * I have a hidden talent.
    * I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
    * I have a lot of friends. (I'd rather keep that group small and exclusive?)
    * I am currently single.
    * I have pecked someone of the same sex. (I think?)
    * I enjoy talking on the phone.
    * I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. (when possible)
    * I love to shop.
    * I enjoy window shopping.
    * I would rather shop than eat.
    * I would classify myself as ghetto.
    * I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
    * I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
    * I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
    * I'm a pretty good dancer.
    * I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
    * I have a cell phone.
    * I believe in a god(s).
    * I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
    * I've rejected someone before.
    * I currently like someone. (lots of ways to take this one too)
    * I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. (I've got too many ideas...)
    * I want to have children in the future.
    * I have changed a diaper before.
    * I've called the cops on a friend before.
    * I'm not allergic to anything.
    * I have a lot to learn.
    * I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
    * I am shy around the opposite sex.
    * I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
    * I have at least 5 away messages saved.
    * I have tried alcohol or drugs before. (just booze)
    * I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
    * I own the "South Park" movie. (to be corrected soon)
    * I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
    * When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
    * I enjoy some country music.
    * I would die for my best friends. (just a couple)
    * I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
    * I watch soap operas whenever I can.
    * I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
    * I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
    * I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
    * I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story".
    * Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
    * I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
    * I have dated a close friend's ex.
    * I like surveys/memes.
    * I am happy at this moment.
    * I’m obsessed with guys.
    * I am a Democrat. (at the moment)
    * I am a Conservative Republican.
    * I am punk rockish.
    * I am preppy.
    * I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
    * I study for tests most of the time.
    * I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
    * I can work on a car. (as long as "work on" = "wash")
    * I love my job.
    * I am comfortable with who I am right now.
    * I have more than just my ears pierced.
    * I walk barefoot wherever I can.
    * I have jumped off a bridge.
    * I love sea turtles.
    * I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
    * I believe in prophetic dreams.
    * I plan on achieving a major goal/dream. (someday)
    * I am proficient on a musical instrument.
    * I worked at McDonald’s restaurant.
    * I hate office jobs.
    * I love sci-fi movies. (good ones, or really really cheesy ones)
    * I think water rules.
    * I went to college out of state.
    * I am adopted.
    * I like sausage. (and other breakfast meats! BACON!)
    * I am a pyro.
    * I love the Red Sox.
    * I have thrown up from crying too much.
    * I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
    * I love kisses.
    * I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
    * I adore bright colors.
    * I love Dear Abby.
    * I can't live without black eyeliner.
    * I think school is awesome.
    * I think pigtails serve a purpose. (looking good is a purpose, right?)
    * I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
    * I usually like covers better than originals.
    * I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
    * I think John Cusack is adorable.
    * I fucking hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays
    * I watch Food Network way too much.
    * I love coaching youth sports.
    * I can pick up things with my toes.
    * I can't whistle.
    * I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes’ slither.
    * I have ridden/owned a horse.
    * I still have every journal I’ve ever written in. (all none)
    * I can't stick to a diet. (why would I want to?)
    * I talk in my sleep. (last report I heard was over 5 years ago, but that's 'cuz people don't sleep near me now)
    * I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century. (decade, yes, century, no)
    * I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
    * Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
    * I have jazz in my blood.
    * I would not be friends if they weren't family.
    * I wear a toe ring.
    * I have a tattoo.
    * I love vaginas.
    * I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
    * I am a caffeine junkie.
    * I know who Santos L. Halper is.
    * I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.
    * I love wrestling.
    * I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
    * If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder. (or would have at some point)
    * I cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
    * I have been to over 15 conventions.
    * I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
    * I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
    * I'm an artist.
    * I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.
    * I am ambidexterous.
    * I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
    * My computer has a name.
    * If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
    * I have terrible teeth. (my jaws don't line up, does that count?)
    * I hate my toes.
    * I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
    * I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
    * I have lived in either three different states or countries.
    * I am extremely flexible.
    * I love hugs more than kisses.
    * I want to own my own business.
    * I smoke or have tried cigarettes.
    * I have met a star from ABC's LOST.
    * I spend way too much time on the computer.
    * Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
    * Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tear every now and then.
    * I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
    * I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
    * I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
    * I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the cloud.
    * I have played tennis with my non dominant hand before.
    * I have played strip poker with someone else before.
    * I read the labels on food, shampoo, and other things just because. (I read EVERYTHING when I'm bored)
    * I have emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
    * I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
    * I can't stand being alone.
    * I have at least one obsession at any given time.
    * I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
    * I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
    * I know what THACO means.
    * I have a signed Tom Servo head.
    * I'm a judgmental bitch/bastard.
    * I'm a HUGE drama-queen
    * I was a Spice Girls fan and I'm proud of it.
    * I have traveled on more than one continent.
    * I sometimes wish my father would just disappear
    * I have seen every single episode of more than one television show. (B5, Futurama, Firefly, ST:TNG)
    * I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
    * I have met someone famous.
    * I have had at least three different authors autograph books I own.
    * I still have a favorite toy from when I was a baby.
    * I love cats. (down with dogs, up with cats!)
    * I can twirl pens/pencils around my fingers and thumb
    * I like and trust most girls by default, and distrust most guys

    Current Mood: tired
    Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
    10:57 pm
    Last couple days
     Well, I think I've started to realize just how far away Andrea is. It's not just that, but it's a big part of it. All the friends that I'm close to and that I can talk to are nowhere near here right now, and I keep feeling really alone. I spent 3-4 days doing things (gaming) with people, and felt horribly lonely most of the time. Andrea was a close friend I could hang out and do things with in the time before she moved, and now that she's gone, there's noone. I do things with Cory, but we just hang out and talk gaming. Alex I still can't open up to fully, for some reason. Rydia and Myatt are off at school, and Meg lives on the other end of the country... I need someone I can talk to.

    ...and I need to meet new people. I can't, because all I do is hang out with my existing isolated group of friends during my free time. We always have a game we need to get in, and usually nobody feels like doing anything else. Sometimes we'll see a movie... and then head back to someone's house. And play games.

    Basically, what I'm saying is that I need to get a life.

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: none :(
    Monday, February 24th, 2003
    10:26 pm
    The radio hates me...
     Well, I WAS doing ok. Tonight I saw Andrea for probably the last time for a good long time... Took her to Half-Price Books to get rid of some stuff, then hit a GameStop and ate at FuddRucker's. When I said goodbye, I was managing to hold myself together, and then on the drive home the radio attacked me horribly. Some songs that had lyrics that got to me, others that were just emotional and got to me that way. I did manage to keep my eyes dry enough to see and make it home alive, though...

    Other recent events - spent too much money on CDs and video games (too much being ANY) over the last couple days. But I did just about double my stock of PS games, by picking up stuff that Andrea owned so I no longer have (FF7, Musashi).

    Current Mood: melancholy
    Current Music: Iron Maiden - Seventh Son of A Seventh Son
    Friday, January 31st, 2003
    10:16 pm
    Yeah, I'm still here
     Guess who's bored!

    Been busy. Working now, driving around and doing things now that I got paid. Definitely shouldn't have spent as much of my first check as I did, but oh well. It was a 3-day check ($150), so it doesn't really count. And a good 1/3 of it went to short-term debts and gas and food and the like.

    Saw Two Towers again and hung out with Cory on Wednesday, then went out with Andrea for dinner and Gangs of New York on Thursday. The night with Andrea made me feel wonderful. No awkwardness, we hung out like friends, and she made fun of me for acting odd about certain things. Losing sleep last night was worth it, just for that. And the movie was pretty good, too.

    On the "Andrea" subject, I think I may have finally come to grips with things. I couldn't deal every time something changed (we broke up, she found someone else, she was moving, she wasn't moving), but I think now I'm probably stable. About the only thing that would mess me up now is if she came back to me... up until this point, I would've taken her back without question, and now...I don't know. It's not likely to happen, so I doubt I'll have to worry about it, but that realization is what makes me think I'm probably a little better off.

    Of course, losing sleep last night didn't have much of a cost, since when I got to work today it was snowing, and they sent me home (I work at a car wash). They were under the impression the snow would last all day. When I woke up 5 hours later, it was warm and not snowing. Their loss, I guess ^_^

    Working tomorrow - mildly annoying to work on the weekend, but no big deal, since there's NOTHING else going on for me.

    And, in addition, I'm a complete idiot. I may be falling for Rydia, and everyone knows that that's a recipe for disaster. I still don't know how I feel about her, but I think there's something there. Well, maybe I'll survive that if I keep these things in mind ^_-

    Current Mood: relaxed
    Current Music: Moody Blues - Best of
    Thursday, December 12th, 2002
    9:05 am
    It's like Christmas!
     Remember when you were younger (say... somewhere around 10), and you couldn't WAIT for Christmas morning? You'd be unable to get to sleep, then you'd wake up early, and you'd be almost sick with anticipation?

    Well, when someone gives you a car, and you spend a week or so trying to figure out what to do with it, and FINALLY everything's arranged... and all you have to do is wait a few hours to go pick it up, it's very similar.

    I'm nearly sick with anticipation... though that could be hunger.
    This is gonna RULE ^_^

    WHEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

    I'm gonna go make some eggs.
    Monday, December 9th, 2002
    10:43 pm
    Not unexpected...
     Alright, so here I am, living at my mom's. I'm frustrated by my lack of ability to do ANYTHING. I can't work on moving to Madison, because Dylan's in charge of talking to people there for me, and he's slow.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, someone offers me a car. For free. FREE.
    Sure, it's not in great shape, needs some fixing, needs paperwork and registration. But it's FREE.

    Of course, just as I expected, I talk to my mom about it and she says that there's no way (she claims there's no way we could park it). If I want to take this car, I can just move back to where I was living and not have anything to eat. She blew up as SOON as I mentioned it. Funny thing here is that SHE was going to loan me a car to use, but it was too "dangerous" for me to take it outside of town.

    So this car I would be getting is freedom for me. She apparently doesn't want that. Nothing's changed since last time I lived here. She can't stand me having freedom. She has to keep me under her control. Before, she couldn't because I had a car, so she kicked me out of the house. Now that I'm back, she won't let me get a car, because then she can't control me.

    My sister told me that for $10/month, they could get a third parking space. My mom lied and said there's NO way to park it here. Within a month, I'm pretty sure if things work out, I can pay $20 for 2 months of parking. If I'm not working by then, my mom's repeatedly said she's kicking me out anyway, so what would it matter? And how the hell am I supposed to find work without a car? Ok, so my mom loans me this dangerous car... what if there's work that's NOT in this miniscule town, but somewhere in Milwaukee? What if it's in Waukesha? With a REAL car, I could drive to a job anywhere in the area. With the car she wants to give me, I can drive to the crap part-time jobs she thinks I should have.

    Hope Dylan finds something in Madison for me.
    Hope I can find someone around here who doesn't mind letting me park a car there for a little while 'til I move to Madison.
    Hope I can still find a way to *get* the car. If my mom doesn't want me to have it, my sister isn't gonna help me go pick it up.

    I feel sick.

    Current Mood: frustrated
    Current Music: none - Winamp makes my computer die :(
    Friday, November 29th, 2002
    12:00 pm
    I despise holidays...
     Well, yesterday was the worst Thanksgiving on record. Probably worst holiday, for that matter.

    Day started out ok - went for lunch with my mom's family, spent a little time with them afterward. Stayed behind with my cousin to hang out while mom & sister went home to work on food. Got picked up around 4ish and came home. Was kinda tired, not sure why - might've been cigarette smoke at my cousins. About 5 I was told to come down and "be part of the family" - I went, my sister opened bday presents. Then, my mom & sister watched the shopping channel. I can't STAND shopping channels, but if I went upstairs, I'd get in all kinds of trouble for "not wanting to be a member of the family" - it's happened before. So I fall asleep on the couch - somewhere around 7:30.

    About 10, my sister wakes me up and tells me she needs to sleep on the couch. They ate dinner without me. I come upstairs to go to sleep, and can't - too hungry. So I go look for food, and make some of the leftover thanksgiving stuff. I then go to eat it in the living room where my sister is watching tv. She tells me I can't - I'll keep her awake. At this point I get just a bit upset (not only do I not get to eat Thanksgiving dinner when it's hot, I'm supposed to eat it in the dark empty kitchen?), throw the food out, and head back up to my room.

    Eventually I managed to get to sleep, and woke up this morning kinda late - I'm sure I'll be in trouble for oversleeping too.

    In addition, yesterday my mom decided I've moved in now. I could probably deal with that if I'd been told before I came - I would've brought a few more things. Plus, if this room doesn't get cleared out within a week I'm leaving. No clue where I'm going, but I'm leaving. I'm not going to live somewhere where the only thing I can do to entertain myself is use my 6-year-old computer, which is set up on the floor. Can't even watch tv half the time, since my sister sleeps in the living room. Hell, I can't even sit down in the living room most of the time, since she keeps it a horrible mess. And since there's TONS of crap in "my" room, there's no place to set up my tv, even if they were willing to "waste" the time to go get it. And my computer desk. And all the other things which I could use to keep myself at least somewhat entertained during slow times.

    Plus, at this point, I'd almost rather stay at Jesse's for another month. First off, I want to see Andrea at least once or twice more before she leaves. Odds of this now seem MUCH lower. Second, last two weeks of December and first couple weeks of January, I have tons of plans to do things with friends. Of course, now it's over an hour drive just for them to get to me, so I'm guessing half of those won't work (and if they do, they'd involve me leaving for days at a time... which I'm sure my mom won't approve of - oh well).

    It's not like I'm going to find work *right now* anyway - especially with the kind of "help" my mom's been providing. She keeps telling me I'm going to need to apply for jobs. That's it. Apparently she doesn't realize that about 90% of jobs are gotten not through applications, but by "knowing someone." She refuses to say good things about me to people she knows that are hiring - thus completely ruining my chances with them. In addition, she wants me to apply for $6/hr part-time jobs. That's just a waste of time. If I do that, it'll take me 5 years to pay off my debts minimum, and that's only if I never buy anything for myself in the meantime. Oh, and I'm supposed to walk to town. It's only 3-4 miles to the edge of town. No big deal, apparently.

    I really would rather live in Madison. Sure, I'd have to pay rent and bills, but I'm pretty much guaranteed a $10/hr full time job there. Plus, you can get around Madison without a car pretty easily. And I have friends there. I really wish I knew someone up there I could live with - even just for a couple months while I worked and looked for a place. Everything would be good then (moving again right away would be a pain in the ass though... all I'd really need is a van/pickup for a day to move furniture, then a decent sized vehicle for the rest of my stuff...). Not that it's gonna happen, though.

    Argh. Time to go... watch tv, I guess? It's about the only thing I can do. I'm in horrible pain from sitting by the computer for this long already.

    Current Mood: crappy
    Current Music: None - I didn't bring any with me. Didn't know I'd need it.
    Saturday, November 16th, 2002
    9:21 am
    MST3K!
     I need to be awake at 9am on Saturdays more often. Scif-fi is showing MST3K! I haven't seen this show for a LONG time. I wonder if it's an early ep or a crappy later one...

    Now I've got something to watch while I read the instruction manual for Legend of Dragoon (it's always fun reading the directions for a game you made it halfway through) and drift off to sleep. It'll keep my mind off being hungry too ^_^

    Ben
    Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
    10:03 pm
    Urgh. Time for venting.

    I've had stuff going on for a couple weeks, but couldn't say anything here 'cuz it wasn't public knowledge yet. Now it is, and I will write far too much about it and hope I can settle myself down.

    (nothing here is directed or accusatory towards a certain person that will read this...)

    A while ago, Andrea broke up with me. Completely out of the blue, and for no real reason. About a week ago, I find out she's moving to LA. This hit me WAY harder than the breakup... I think because I could always hold onto the hope that we'd get back together, or at the very least be close friends. Now with her moving, there's no chance of either, really. Sure, she'll come and visit, but I'll see her 1 or 2 days a year max, probably. Plus, I seriously doubt she'll stay in RPGA gaming, one of the things I thought I'd managed to add to her life. Guess it's not that great anyway. *shrug*

    THEN I found out that she's planning on moving in with her new boyfriend. That really doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. At least not by itself. It's the fact that she's never actually met him that I can't get over. I just hope nothing bad happens as a result of this - and if it does, she knows enough to get out as fast as she can. One reassuring thing is that she does have other friends in the area. I still think she overreacting to how she's been feeling, but it's her place to do that, and not mine to interfere.

    When I talked to her the other day, she admitted for the first time that she broke up with me at least partially over money issues. That hurt, especially since she wouldn't ever say it before. I thought that was what it was before, but she wouldn't say it... and because I thought we had something bigger than that. And I'd been making an effort to avoid asking her for money for months before we stopped really seeing each other. The trigger that set everything off was a comment I made that she took the wrong way. If only she'd talked to me about it, I still think we'd be together. I just hope she doesn't make the same mistake again -- though if she's living with him, that isn't likely to be as much of a problem.

    And I'll admit, that while I say above I want things to go well for her, and hope she doesn't have problems, that there's another side to all that. I DO want things to go wrong. I want her to realize what a mistake this is and move back here within a month. I know that's not realistic, and I don't want her to be hurt like that. But I do want that, too. A horrible, selfish part of me does, at least. Sure, I can try and tell myself that I can take care of her better than he can, but who am I kidding? I haven't found a job in well over a year, and he's still in college. Meaning he's likely to actually finish, unlike me. If he finishes, he'll probably actually get a real job and be able to take care of her far better than I ever would. He better mean what he's told her... I've come *this* close to sending him an email 5 or 6 times recently, telling him that, but I know it would end up sounding like a threat in the end, and I don't want to do that.

    I just don't know what to do now, though. I decided to stop trying to get back into college because I wanted to get some kind of job and get a life started for us. Now "us" is gone. I don't want to get a life started for me alone. I don't want to be alone. I'm way too used to having someone who's always there, and now she'll be completely gone. Now I'm stuck with most likely moving back to my mom's, and being completely isolated from what few friends I have left, probably working some low-paying job that *might* pay back my debts in 10 years. And what are the odds that I'll move UP from there? Where do I go? There's noone I could move in with, nowhere I really need to go. And what would be the point? It's not like I'm going to meet someone else, or that I'll manage to do things right if I do. I don't know how to meet people. I got together with Andrea in spite of my efforts, not because of them. Heh. Talk about self-pity.

    On another note... After hearing stories of the con this weekend, I'm even more annoyed at Chris & Skerrit. First they drive Andrea away, then they start up with the favoritism in LG, and then they move on to rampant rule-breaking. Again, it's mostly Skerrit, with Chris on the "he should know better" side. And now Garth's trying to get in on the Triad -- probably so he can be part of their "exclusive little group". And if he does get in, their recent favoritism and exclusiveness will NOT go away - if anything, it'll get WAY worse.

    Back to me. I spent part of the weekend at my mom's, and I do NOT want to move there. I was thinking that maybe just memory made it out to be worse than it was, but she's just as bad as ever. Scolds people for making a 'mess' when the whole house is a total disaster. Told me several times that I would have to work - I wouldn't be able to just sit around 'cuz I don't feel like working like I have been doing. And apparently her idea of helping me find work involves finding people she knows that are hiring, and then saying BAD things about me. I REALLY need to hear back from Dylan. Trying to move to Madison is looking better and better all the time. I'll dislike leaving the 4-5 friends I have around here (up from 2 1/2 last week), but I think in Madison I'd at least have a chance to meet new people.

    I need to do something though... I'd look for work around here, but that's pretty much impossible without a phone. I've got one box of pancake mix, a box of spaghetti, and a few packages of ramen left for food. I slept for 12 hours 2 of the past 3 nights. I don't know if it's depression or malnutrition that's getting me -- probably both.

    Oh well.. I guess that's probably enough for now. For the next couple months, I at least have something to do with my time -- try and see Andrea while I can.

    Current Music: GTA Vice City in the background
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